I know it has been a while since I wrote anything about my life. I mean, sure, I’ve shared my opinion on a couple of matters, gave away some condoms and engaged generally bitching, but I haven’t said much about my dating or sex life during a spell. Today, that changes.
I have a crucial announcement to form . I even have recently joined the ranks of superdivas Cher, Madonna, Jennifer Lopez and Mariah Carey — and I’m not even an über fierce, over-the-top gay icon. But I'd be now. Because I, my friends, have a boy toy. A hot one.
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Sorry, J. Lo, mine’s hotter.
Mind you, by no means did I go out prowling the local Dave & Buster’s all couged out and draping my leg over the complete Throttle Zombie Mania 4D machine. The boy came to me — on OkCupid of all places.
“You’re very beautiful. Maybe we should always make some margaritas together,” his message said.
Now, normally once I receive a message from a 23-year-old twink I just ignore it. I’m trying to find someone i'd even have a future with, plus i actually don’t know much about Snapchat or filling out graduate school applications or Maria Menounos’s boobs.
But this guy was a FOX, y’all, and that i mean for real. After reading his message online I actually looked over my shoulder to make sure he wasn’t lecturing someone behind me.
He said he's interested in older women because he finds them more confident, experienced and well-dressed, plus some women just look better with age. Like I used to be getting to argue?
At first, I felt a touch awkward about the entire thing. I mean, 23? This kid was still shitting green. I wasn’t terribly conversant in the principles of being a cougar, but I did know I didn’t have the funds to possess my butt fat injected into my lips or buy an entire new leopard print wardrobe.
I shared Boy Toy’s photo with my gay bf and asked for his combat the matter:
“Well, sometimes the Universe works in mysterious ways,” was his reply.
“What the hell does that mean?” I said.
“It means send a boob pic and ask what time!” he said.
I swear to Mariah, he's sort of a modern-day Confucius.
So now Boy Toy and that i are a thing for a couple of months now, we never leave the house, and admittedly , it’s the foremost satisfying relationship I’ve had during a while .
In fact, there are numerous upsides to having a boy toy. I don’t know why I didn’t roll in the hay sooner. I’ll offer you six reasons why mine rocks:
1. He aims to please, and does
The first time I got supine together with his behind, he looked me straight within the eye and said, “I just want to please you.” Um, is further commentary even necessary? And let me tell you, I don’t know or care who he perfected his craft with, but even at the tender age of way-too-young-for-me, the cub knows exactly what to try to to to form my neighbors bang on the wall and tell me to shut the botch .
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Visit : girls for sex
2. He’s got the stamina of Lance Armstrong on ‘roids
Of course, the sexual satisfaction doesn’t stop at his skill set. Long gone are the times of three pumps and a Kleenex grab — this tyke’s got all-natural Cialis running through his veins. Truth be told, it had been a touch much initially . i used to be like, hey, granny must get some shut-eye so can we please wrap it up, junior? But who am I to seem a present horse within the mouth? So now I just say fuck it, enjoy the ride, and attend work subsequent day looking tore up like Kesha after a weekend bender.
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3. He helped me found out my new smart TV
As if the great looks and sexual prowess weren’t enough, the whiz kid got my fancy new TV up and running, and you're darn tootin’ that shit got me damp. I don’t know what quite technological sorcery these tots are aware about , but he secured all the wires and plugs and doodads in their rightful homes and that we were watching Orange is the New Black within 10 minutes. He even showed me the way to use the clicker and programmed the remote on my iPad. Believe you me, without his aid i might still be sitting on the couch staring quizzically at a 50-inch screen crammed with this:
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4. He makes math and science interesting
Boy Toy is somewhat of a math and science nerd. I, for one, know the maximum amount about math and science as I do about what Dick Cheney had for breakfast today. (Although my guess would be flame-broiled baby seals?) However, he has piqued my interest and that we have meaningful conversations about drones and subatomic particles and wormholes, and that I now know that these don't have anything to do with bugs.
In essence, I actually learn cool stuff from this barely legal buck. And learning is phat. Okay, maybe I want to brush up on my children's vernacular.
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5. He spent time with me on Valentine’s Day and didn’t make it weird
Being with a new-ish guy around this point of year is often as awkward as a wet queef. He’s never my boyfriend, but he’s a touch quite a fuck buddy. I actually enjoy spending time with him – even when my legs aren’t behind my ears.
So on February 13, even as i used to be pondering the way to say “I’d wish to hang around with you on Valentine’s Day but that doesn’t mean i would like a relationship or anything,” he beat me thereto and suggested remove and a House of Cards binge-a-thon with nary a mention of the dreadful holiday. Best Valentine’s ever.
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6. He likes to try to to it to chill music
Have you ever heard of Tame Impala, Purity Ring or Phantogram? I hadn’t either until a boy toy pulled them abreast of Spotify. These are some super sexy beats to urge me to, and now I’ve got a bunch of latest songs added to my “Doin’ It” playlist.
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Now, I'm fully aware that this is often going nowhere and honestly, I don’t expect it to. In fact, I feel the rationale this relationship is so successful is due to the entire lack of expectations. We hang around once we desire it, text one another now then , and it’s extremely comfortable.